Sick of Life

[Musekaze]

Im sick of life. And i never thought i'd say this, but Casas is right. There is no point to love. Why bother getting a broken heart for no purpose? You're either gonna get shot down, got out and break up, or get married and one of you dies, which all have the same outcome.

I thought i had finally done something right for once. Not completely shooting myself in the foot when i like someone. She felt the same way, slightly, but once she figured out i liked her back she turned into a depressed wreck hating life, and love, and everything else. Just like i do. We're so perfect for each other its not even funny. Patience is the key.

Its times like these that i always go through a suicidal phase, and a few times actually attempting. Unfortunately for me, nothing that needed hospitalization. But as you can see, i've been forced to take a break from all of my games because of my suffering grades, and now im thinking i should just quit them all in general.

For most of my life i was a reject. I hung out with the nerds at school and as soon as i got home would hop on the computer and play a game or something. My crushes were meaningless piles of poop on top of all the pretty popular girls. It wasn't until last year that i learned what love actually was, but i never talked to her until the summer, and now we don't talk at all. I got over it. I finally get to about a week ago and think i'm actually doing something right for once and last night i get screwed over. Who knows how long that'll last. It also seems that i've been told "Love you like a brother" more than any other person in the book. Im a brother, not a lover, and i gotta suck that up.

But if i ever do have to leave, Eternal War is my second family, i love all of you. Except Casas, sometimes i doubt he even deserves my respect.

I'm sorry Melissa Ramirez for trying to be a good friend.
I'm sorry for liking you for who you were.
I'm sorry for existing.
Hope the rest of your life is better than the pathetic crap pile that is mine.

So, long goodbye

Yours truly,

~~ Will David "Musekaze" Keller

[Terpeh]

Bloody hell Will snap out of it. I'll kill you again when I see you in heaven if you suicide.

Its love, it has good things and bad things, if you're feeling down, make yourself busy. Improving how you look is always helpful, or try to make your own NWN server, anything creative.

If you got girl problems, kill any contact with her immediately, it always helps, trust me, after 1 or 2 days of absolute no contact you'll feel better, trust me on that it worked for me. Make yourself hate her, hate replaces pain, hate is good.

[Musekaze]

Torm, thats why i'm a pisces, and a Sith lord. I thrive off hate. Every single time, i've always hated hated hated. Except for on instance where i hated the best friend. But covering up your hate with pain is no solution. it only makes you hurt more inside. I already made it clear to her that i'm going to need my space for a while. All of my other friends already know that. Despite the fact that our hugs are the most comforting thing ever, right now i dont need it. I need anger, hate, and power. I need to hurt something. But i hate that feeling. Sometimes i wish i wasn't a fucking sith lord. All of my good qualities are on the outside and all the bad ones on the inside. I try to be happy, but i can't. I'm a real world Sephiroth.

I don't want to hate her, i want to love her, make her feel special, but i can't. I need to destroy something, and i feel that it would be better for everyone if it was me over our friendship.

Love is the most powerful emotion, more powerful than hate. Rather than covering your pain with hate, remove it with love. Thats what both of us need to do. I can probably do it, she just needs to be able to do the same....

[LittleLostThief]

You aren't old enough to know what love is. You're still dealing with infatuation and obsession. And if you want to argue with me about it, you can read your posts and it should be pretty apparent that you are obsessing and infatuated. Girls really don't go for either of those because it makes you look desperate and lonely. Also, chances are that you're falling for any girl that looks at you twice as opposed to the ones that only look once or not at all. Girls looking at you twice is not a basis for loving them. But on a different note, we've all been through it and we've all been that age and we've all felt that when we were fifteen that life wasn't worth living anymore and that we were all well traveled well educated persons who figured it all out about everything especially in the love department. But you haven't. Not yet. And you will hang on and you will persevere and from what I know of your personality you're not in any real danger to yourself. You're just in a bad mood. You'll get over it -- you'll continue to have plenty more experiences romantically, and you will learn all kinds of things about yourself and relationships and... stuff. Okay I'm done.

[Musekaze]

lol wow Widg, i've always liked your laid back attitude. "Ok, bottom line, we're done here."

but i know exactly what your talking about. i'm also leaving out a lot of the core, personal facts, so yes it does infact seem like infatuation. I admit it, i'm young and i'm willing to say that yes, no matter the degree that does have a little to deal with it. But what i don't want you to think is that i start falling for any girl that comes my way. Most of my female friends are just friends and they've always been that. I have qualities that i look for, its impossible for anyone to feel for anything that moves and has boobs. Except for Allen (inside joke).

I appreciate your help, unlike some people. *Glares at A95* it shows me that you actually care. It's going to move on. She will still be my squishy, i will still be her huggy bear. Our hugs will still be comforting to each other. We'll still be friends, whether we get in a relationship or not. This is just part of being a teenager.

[A95]

I've dealt with enough suicide threats that I don't care anymore.

[T3hRedMage]

There is no point to love.

You're right. Love is the biggest, stinkiest butt hole you'll ever push your way into. There is no reason to jump ship and try to see how long you can hold your breath underwater when you're 15. I had a constant string of girlfriends since I was six years old, until I was sixteeen. I'll turn 20 soon, and I haven't had a girlfriend/ boyfriend since. I have a similar attitude, but mine is slightly different.

There is no point of hallucinating that love is real. Most of the time love is a sick and twisted, gut wrenching feeling when you're just in a picture perfect friendship. A lot of people still don't know how to tell friendship away from erections.

We're so perfect for each other its not even funny. Patience is the key.

Sorry to say this, but there are a lot of bitches in the sea of life. You'll find many that fluctuate your weiney and at the same time, have an awesome time playing Poke'mon Puzzle League. That's just the way it is.

Patience is the key. Once you finally blink enough to realize that there is no point in struggling to find ' anything ' in life and you just sit back with your legs spread, lay a limp wrist on your male part and chill; you'll find that you get your feelings hurt everyday.

Its times like these that i always go through a suicidal phase, and a few times actually attempting.

Thoughts of suicide is normal. Hell, I live in the section of the U.S. where teen suicide is the highest. I've thought about it probably over a hundred times, rocked in my parents closet with a gun in my throat, cut frownie faces in my wrist and all that. Life sucks, but when I realized that I just don't care about people, places, love, hate or any of that.. everything was more fun. I don't try to get close to anyone, because everyone sucks in a way. So do you. That's why I travel now. And, sorry to say this Will, people are like you hate everywhere. However, sometimes the ' situation ' sucks a lot less.

When I went to New York, I thought it was going to be some paradise away from Mississippi, but it just turned out to be the same thing ( minus constant acid. ) But, it was beautiful up there and everyone was nice. Also, there were about 95% less homophobes, and well. . that's good to have. It's not easy liking shlong and living 15 minues away from a KKK and having an abusive father that sleeps to a 90 year old preacher on a satellite channel.

Sometimes you can lose faith in a lot of people and a lot of the world. The easiest way is just to. . make up your own -fate- and go for it. If anyone gets in your way and you don't like it, don't bite your lip and smile. Push their face and tell them to s.t.f.u.

For most of my life i was a reject. I hung out with the nerds at school and as soon as i got home would hop on the computer and play a game or something. My crushes were meaningless piles of poop on top of all the pretty popular girls.

This just pisses me off. I call this " Being Highschool " I went from Class Favorite/ Most Likely to Succeed/ Most Athletic/ Most Wit to that guy with bangs down to his nipples, who writes really awesome old-style literatue stories. I was known from tenth grade up as " The Hair-Guy. " So what? Those were the best years of school. When everyone just left me alone. Why? I'm going to school to 'learn' There is no point in looking for anything special in highschool. I've only been out around two years and I honestly only have one or two memories of the whole thing. It's not a big deal.

So, long goodbye

Yours truly,

~~ Will David "Musekaze" Keller

Statistics, statistics.

[LittleLostThief]

I got beat up a lot in school because I believed in pacifism to the extreme. I hated violence passionately and would never defend myself. So I guess it was fun for them to try to "break" me into fighting back. I never did. But after I grew up I learned that disliking violence is good, but not defending yourself is stupid. So high school sucked for me. Now I'd just whip your monkey donkey.

[Protoss119]

I should totally eat this post, but I don't have Spam powers here.

[Casas]

When did I ever say there's no point to love? If I did, I was referring to romantic love. English is a very clumsy language with only one word for affection, regardless of what type.

Anyway, that being said.. wtf are you? 10? Grow up. Sure it hurts now, but wait a month.. at your age it ain't nuttin' but puppy love. You'll get over it real quick.

[Xianio]

For the love of god, this is just one giant depressing subject on the whole.

Ok Muse first and foremost quit being selfish. This whole "I'm going to off myself idea" is selfish and cowardly. Am I being mean? Hell yes I am but if you want to throw down real serious subjects about real serious situations be prepared for answers you won't like.

Why is it selfish? Because you're no different then anyone else when it comes right down to it in this life and ya, sometimes it hurts but so many around you have suffered through this exact sort of thing if not worse and didn't take the easy way out. When it comes right down to it, for you it might be done in 10 mins but everyone else in your life it's not done and over with for years upon years. While you might get a quick release from pain you force everyone who cares about you even in the slightest suffer the agony of losing someone. Furthermore think of the person who has to find you afterwards. Do you have a little brother or sister, perhaps a good friend, a parent who cares about you? Which one of them are you going to hurt so deeply that they'll -never- be the same? You want a release from pain? Go get real into working out and burn it off, believe me -that- will take some of it away but don't punish everyone else around you as that simply is selfish and cowardly.

Now for this whole "love is useless" idea. You're 15, you can believe that for as long as you want but unless you develop some serious pathology it's not sticking for the rest of your life. Ya, love ends the same way but do you really believe those people despite the horrible amounts of pain for those losses would give up the years with said loved one? You -will- love someone again and once you're a little older you'll figure out what that actually means.

Being seriously in love with someone isn't like anything you've experienced and perhaps not myself but from what I know of the subject it's not like anything you'll feel for anyone else. Even the greatest of friendships don't compare because even though it sounds vulgar and baseless having sex with someone you love brings you pretty much past the most extreme friendships. Why? Because there is a closeness that you really can't experience any other way.

Yes you can tell your closest friend all your secrets and share moments touching and forever memorable but at the end of the day you both know that there is some things that aren't approachable. It's no measureable medium or event which proves this true but you'll figure it out later on.

Final thoughts: Welcome to what "being an adult" means. Being an adult means realizing that there are things outside your control and some might be painful and terrifying but these things happen to everyone so take some responsibility, dust yourself off and remember that you're not even a quater of the way through your life. It'll get better, it'll get worse but expand your horizons outside of this inward thinking and realize that your actions no matter how self motivated affect others equally if not moreso then they affect you.

[Musekaze]

Ok i just want to say: I worked this out, i'm happy and not emo now. I actually laughed at all of Kyle's post because of all teh wise cracks he kept making.

Gnarr, you're entirely right. though i basically just skimmed over your post and said balh blah blah, yes you're right. Yeah, life is gonna suck, life is gonna rock, you gotta suck it up and live with it. That's what i'm trying to do. But i actually act way more mature than alot of people my age, and even my parents sometimes. Its sad when a 40 year old throws a temper tantrum about being asked to go to a party or your they're trying to tickle you to death when your on the phone.

But im going to my church youth group tomorrow, which is where my greatest supporters are, and they stand with me through thick and thin. And next weekend i'll be on a retreat with them, which is always such a cleansing expirience.

*winks and thumbs up* Thanks.

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